After the last week, it is clear that there is a line in the sand. To be real, I was not surprised with the results. As a woman, a person of color, I can resonate with the disappoint, the rejection, the invalidation. I know many of you can too.
My entire life until this day, I experience men being chosen over women. Or privilege taking over our lives.
As a kid, I had to give up my red bike to my younger brother.
When I was growing up, I had to give up my love for basketball to give the court to the boys.
As a young woman, I was denied the choice of whether I had any more kids by a male doctor who thought I was too young to make such a decision. I knew what I wanted and I have known and kept that decision since. For the past 22 years. I remain with the same choice. I love my son and two daughters but I knew that was it for me at the ripe age of 21.
I must say here, that not all men are the same. There are so many who support us, who step aside and give us the space to be ourselves and respect us. We thank you for all that you do for us as allies.
There is, however, a hard pill to swallow to know that we are not yet good enough to lead regardless of our preparation, education, life experiences and intentions.
Almost 20 years ago, I faced a crossroads and I feel and know from all the comments, discussions and social media posts that many of you are there too.
You are checking your surroundings, reviewing who is in your peripheral view. Who will remain within your circle and who will not? So many are showing their values and we are at a decision-making moment as to where our line in the sand is drawn with these relationships.
There are acquaintances, friends and family members that are on the opposite side of our values, our rights and our own well-being.
I can tell you that I have considered where I am going to go and what am i going to do. Maybe the American dream has been a hoax this entire time. I live well. I am in a committed relationship. I have great children but regardless of all that my gender, sexual orientation and ethnic background could all be the reason I am discriminated against.
I’ve been told various times to go back to my country. One vivd memory that comes to mind is when I was walking my young daughter who just had been sedated to be able to take her MRI. We were with no doubt walking slowly because she was not able to go any faster. We were going to slow for a person who couldn’t wait for us to cross the street. Instead of him waiting for us to cross, he drove alongside us in his big truck, opened his window and yelled, ‘GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY!” He looked at us in disgust, sped off and screeched his tires.
I’ve been frightened as a kid when my mom or grandma or grandpa would be home before we got out of school because there was an immigration raid at their jobs, at the factories. That many of their coworkers were detained never to be seen again. Their kids and families now without their parents.
What’s ahead of us is unknown. But the way we get through this is together. Not with those who oppose us but with those who are for us.
I wish we could agree to disagree but to stay in a circle that no longer serves us is just not an option any longer. Now, its not just about our old exes, but the very same people who just can’t see us, can’t value us.
A few years ago, I decided to remain without a parental relationship because regardless of how much I wanted to keep them in my life, I was in pain every single time I came across them. Although it was one of the hardest decisions to make. For me, it was the best decision. I learned to finally accept and honor myself. Since then I went though a grieving period, but I let go of the habitual pain I endured every time I interacted with them.
There are other relationships that are open to accepting us and meeting us and actually learning from us, which I have kept the doors of communication open. Although they would not make the same decision I would, they at least don’t deny me the choice to make my choice. And they don’t judge me for my choices.
I can live my life and my truth surrounded by understanding, open curiosity and unconditional love.
At first I invited the opposite of what I needed because I was so accustomed to the toxicity that was actually my comfort zone. I used to seek chaos, disappointment and allowed behavior that would help others feel good, but hurt me. But the minute I realized this, I stopped allowing it. I set boundaries. I began to ask for what I needed even though it was not natural for me to do it. But it is a muscle you can build.
Many of you will be faced with these types of decisions and because I know that humankind is resourceful, your knowing will guide you.
You may be faced with fear.
The fear of the unknown.
The fear of what will people say if you don’t talk to so and so.
The fear of being without them in your lives.
The fear of possibly moving on.
The one question I ask you to ask yourself is: what is the cost of remaining? What is the cost continuing to put up with whatever it is that you are going through?
And of course, think about the safest way to go about this for yourselves and your situations.
Find a support group, a therapist, and rely on real people that you trust. And as the saying goes, when they show you who they are, believe them.
Wherever this path leads us, lets find community, give yourself grace, and give yourself the time you need to process all that is and the reality of what is yet to come.
When the time comes, let’s be prepared, let’s be educated about our choices, let’s hold each other’s hands, hold our hearts with care and lead ourselves with our own light.
Miriam Simon is a Leadership Coach, a Forbes Coaches Council Member, author, speaker, advocate and host of the Latina Mic Drop Podcast – Tap Into Your Exponential Power available on Youtube, Spotify, Apple Podcast, and iHeart Music.
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